The Epistle?

Epistles were really nothing more than letters. In a way blogs serve the same purpose. But Blogs are more personal letters to ourselves. Perhaps they are letters of affirmation, or letters that provide us an opportunity to think. I just came back from an amazing weekend all by myself. This weekend was the end of a planned month long journey. And a perfect ending it was. Through out the entire weekend I found myself going back to the wise words of Pema Chodron. She says, "it takes death for there to be birth. So, don't be afraid of death." She also says (which I love) "rather than letting our situation get the better of us, we could acknowledge that right now we feel like a piece of shit and not be squeamish about taking a good look. That's the compassionate thing to do. That's the brave thing to do. We could smell that piece of shit. We could feel it.." "We are raised in a culture that fears death and hides from it. Nevertheless we experience it all the time. We experience it in the form of disappointment, in the form of things not working out. But really this provides the proper motivation for an insightful compassionate life." I have never been at such a moment of such grief and such joy in my life. Her book helped me get my arms around this emotion........"if we totally give up all hope of alternatives to the present moment, we can have a joyful relationship with our lives, an honest, direct relationship; one that no longer ignores the reality of impermanence and death. How transformative is that statement?

What is my Belief?

I believe that God can take the good, the bad and the ugly experiences in our lives and use them to make us unbelievably better at what we have been created for; whatever that might be. God can take the good things we fondly remember, the bad things we'd like to forget, and the ugly things that have shaped us into people we didn't start out to be and use them to facilitate His purpose. This is why I have hope. For me hope isn't passive. Hope isn't the absence of despair. Hope is active and my hope comes from God. Hope is the light in my journey that makes the present bearable........ that the mysterious be made clear.

And They're Off

I am always amazed at the surprises in life. Especially those that I should know are coming! I haven't decided if this is ignorance or avoidance. Both of my children left the country this past Tuesday. It was a time of excitment, tears and unbelief. As a parent I hoped I always gave my children permission to live their own lives; to look into their own hearts and live from there. So, why was I surprised at my grief as they left? Isn't this what I prepared them for? Monday evening I took Collin's face in my hands, smiled into his different green eyes and while saying "I love you" knew that my boy child was truely an amazing young man. I also realized he had grown up. Of course I've known this. But when we really pause and think and love with intention.....we own it. Collin is on an adventure of a life time. Allyson has traveled out of the country quite a bit for a 21 year old. However this time it seemed more real. I guess because she had just turned 21 four days earlier. And the realization that she was a young woman hit like a mack truck. My children have had a huge impact on making me who I am today. We are all three exactly where we need to be at this moment. I have been holding my breath since they both boarded their planes. And now I have heard they are both safe; one in Mexico and one in Bangkok, I can exhale. Like a diver coming up for air......I breath. So, Collin and Allyson to you I say, "Let your unconscious, your dreams, your hearts, the divine work on your behalf." My prayer for you- I pray that while having an adventure of a lifetime you pause to embrace the sacredness of your journeys. I pray that while your souls are fed your eyes and hearts are open to the people, places and surprises that await you. I pray you find the divine in the ordinary-not so ordinary places you visit. I pray you are intentionally present to the mystery and wonder as you walk. I pray for your safe return. Amen.

Buzzed

Yesterday I sat in a chair and let a friend of mine take a #2 guard to my hair. Am I joining a cult? Wanting to be different? Trying to convince women (including me) that we are more than our hair products? None of the above....well maybe #3. I buzzed my head to raise money for Susan G Komen. I didn't realize what an impact it would have on me. The freeing sensation that comes from being a bald woman. I never worry about my hair anymore. Because I've let it grow (knowing I was going to do this) I've saved some major bucks. I spend about $100 every two months on my weave and cut. I've skipped 2 appointments and doubt I will have a need for another one for at least 6 months. So, let's see....I'm saving about $800 - give or take! Should I be at a moral dilemma here? What could $800 give to a family in a third world country? I'll have to give this some more thought. Another interesting side of walking around buzzed is the reaction from others. People look at me with the "Oh, poor thing. She's got 'the cancer'. " Or, 'hmmm; I wonder if she's a lesbian." Or, as my dear friend (who happens to be a lesbian) says..maybe you're a lesbian with Cancer! Which brings me to another moral dilemma. How many times have I looked at someone not as a human child of God but a 'condition' or a 'label'? The labels aren't always bad. But they are labels just the same. I think that is what happens when we do not take responsibility for exploring and owning our unconscious material: I believe we live poorer lives when we choose to absent ourselves from the ministry of hospitality to and justice for the stranger. And we defy the longing of our God
when we turn away those who are different than us. The Golden Rule says we should treat others as we would have them treat us. And, so, you and I have to answer the question of how we would want to be treated if we walked as strangers, immigrants, outsiders. And, assuming we answer the question honestly, we know in our hearts what must be done.
Peace

I sit at my kitchen table waiting for the snow....waiting. Is that what we spend most of our lives doing? Waiting? Are we there yet? How much longer? We light the 3rd candle on the Advent wreath. I'm due in two weeks. When will I meet the love of my life? Are most of our lives Holy Saturdays, the time between great difficulties and great triumphs, between bad news and good news, death and resurrection. I look at my parents who are both 82 years old and quite feeble. They have buried many of their friends, some of their siblings, and I think for the most part it is safe to say that for now they are waiting. Not morbidly but 'matter of factly'. I mean, how many years do they have left? With that said though....my mom in particular still loves every day she has on this planet. Every time I'm with her she says, "I love you." I love her too and am greatful for every day she and pop remain on this earth... Back to waiting... Students wait for report cards. The poor wait in line for food, for shelter, for almost everything. Parents wait many Holy Saturday nights....waiting. Yet for most of my Christian life, Holy Saturday has barely been mentioned. We focus on Good Friday, where we can nail our troubles, and our sins with Jesus to the cross. Give us Easter's great news of resurrection. But don't leave us here on Saturday, locked in a room. Don't leave me with Mary in the depths of a mother's grief. Don't bury me with Jesus. But let's face it. There can be no Easter without Holy Saturday, Like it or not, we know the crosses are coming; we know we're going to die. It's said there's more to the story, but in the end here we are, waiting for resurrection, whether in the form of a job or a new love or an all-clear medical test. I don't know why I'm thinking this now. It's not even Lent yet........... maybe every day could be Lent, or Holy Saturday....or Easter. Peace and Love.

To love

It's very cold out. I have been reading The Invitation. It is one of those books you need to read alone; a piece at a time; out loud. It speaks to me in many ways. However one paragraph is truly what I am. So I am going to quote Oriah for this blog. "When I imagine myself as an old woman at the end of my life and ask myself how I will evaluate my time here, there is only one question that concerns me: Did I love well? There are a thousand ways to love other people and the world--with our touch, or words, our silences, our work, our presence. I want to love well. This is my hunger. I want to make love to the world by the way I live in it, by the way I am with myself and others every day......I want to stay aware of the vastness of what I do not know. This is what brings me to the journey.l I do not want to live any other way." May all who read this experience the blessings of living. May your hearts be full.
Shalom.

It is pumpkin season and everyone is getting into the spirit. It is amazing how the autumn colors gradually replace summer. As I watch flocks of geese flying south it is suddenly clear. Summer is over. I take a deep breath of crisp autumn air. It is like a tonic. This season is hallowed but brief. But it is probably my favorite. It is time to restart the fireplace, pull out the sweaters and scrape the frost off the windows in the morning. Fall to me is also a time to replenish. As the leaves fall off the trees I am reminded of how much we fill our lives with junk. What better time than now to purge........Blessed