Be Vulnerable

A friend sent me a link to a Ted Talk on Vulnerability.  The presenter's name was Brene Brown.  I found myself intrigued with her comments.  I could relate to her transformation from an analytical view of the world to a 'daring' view of the world.   I love approaching my life with a brave heart.  Yet, sometimes I am afraid....but chose to "Do it brave and afraid."   I was eating in a hotel restaurant this evening watching a young couple.  They were dressed very nice texting and watching the TV.  Neither were looking at each other.   I admit to eaves dropping.  He was an attorney......she smiling at her partner with that plastic smile we alll know while he was talking business to a colleague.   I was filled with grief for them.  Then I realized how judgemental I was being.  I was putting my perception of their reality as truth.  But I couldn't help myself.   As I left the restaurant I stopped by their table.......leaned into the young woman's ear and said,  " Life is short.  This table is boring. Don't forget that silly is good."   As I now sit in my room I laugh and think....silly is good. That’s what I wish for you- for us- for the world:  Do something silly that makes you laugh so much it  shakes out all the stored tension, and reminds you/me of how silly our fears sometimes are.
Peace.

Traveling Mercies

Traveling Mercies.  What does that really mean? I suspect it means different things to different people from different traditions.  The phrase bounds into my head daily as a think of my son who has headed off for another journey. My prayer for him is that he receives traveling mercies.  At the most simple level it means have a good trip.  For Collin however, I hope for more.  Yes, I pray he has a safe journey, he doesn't get sick, lost, mugged or frightened.  These prayers are given!   But I hope for more.   I gave him a small stone with the word grace carved into it.  I believe for his highly tuned atheistic and analytical mind, grace is a word he has trouble with.   I explained to him that grace to me has many different meanings.  One meaning I am really drawn to is elegance of motion.  Another.......is more of a prayer book version.  Grace is God's favor that enlightens our minds, stirs our hearts and strengthens our wills.   My prayer for Collin is that he grasps the gift of grace while journeying so he can not only embrace it and celebrate it in himself but share it with those he meets.  Just as the three wise men represent a kind of bravery of spirit and a curiosity that leads them into far away places so does my son; this stargazer. 

"We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time."   TS Eliot
Traveling Mercies Male Child

The Possibilities of Love

Each day I am alive on this planet I am awestruck by the possibilities gained from loving. A couple of weeks ago at my church 12 women were introduced as guests. These women reside in a facility for low risk incarcerated women. As their names were spoken; they became more than just a group of visiting women...They were named. They were gifts to our community. They were valued. This was one of those moments that I call sacramental; a conversion moment when I sensed the mystery of the Holy. A moment where I recalled Eckharts words; "Apprehend God in all things, for God is in all things. Every single creature is full of God and is a book about God. Every creature is a word of God's." Thomas Merton writes, "We discover our true selves in Love." Love never fails. It will always find a way to have its way." So, I encourage you to Love Love and Love some more......The possibilities are endless....... In Peace, Susan

As I look at the date of the last entry I realize I have been writing more in a paper journal than here. I almost forgot about this space. I recently returned from Esquipulas Nicaragua. And while there I realized I don't do well journaling while traveling. But while there I committed myself to that process. I made it a practice. My practice I hope will now include continuing my musings on this site. It will be a gift at years end for me to reflect. And I hope it is a gift to my children. On August 12th I am sitting in my room with the 4 mujeres I'm traveling with. We are sharing a small concrete space with 4 cots lovingly prepared for us. I am thinking I don’t even know where to begin writing about this day. Our morning began at 06:15 with Padre Jim on the porch. We talked about our thoughts so far. The words remain the same: Amazed, full, grateful, humbled. As Jim said, “This place makes ‘we are one body’ real. We are the sweat of the earth. Breakfast again is prepared and presented with love and care and concern for our health. Fresh fruit, yogurt, PB and crackers and a delicious fruit juice. We are dressed for church. Padre Freddy is driving. We climb into the back of his truck (skirts and all) and head to Mass at St Guillermo. We laugh as he takes the back way up rocky, bumpy roads. We joke, he wants to show us he can drive as well as Leonardo who we have watched navigate the roads of Esquipulas-always keeping us safe. Church is a beautiful reflection of the solidarity of my church in Louisville-St William and St Guillermo. We are greeted with the same hospitality we have come to know everywhere we go. When we left the church there were hugs and kisses…as if we we're old friends. We go back to our room and change before heading to visit Pablo’s mother in law in the community of El Zapotal. Pablo leads us in an activity where we form an interconnected web with yarn…then we undo the web. The message is clear; We are connected and all are needed. The women again share their stories of how the nutrition program has changed their lives and the health of their children. Alba had never eaten a carrot before the program. As we head to the orchard I am thinking about the garden of Eden. Not the Eden where all were naked and in harmony; but the Eden that consisted of people who both loved very well at their Center and who suffered very much on their surface – This is a reminder that the rest of us have to rediscover and return to the Garden by an arduous route. Richard Rohr calls this movement beyond the edges to the center - conversion, integration, or holiness. Creator God, lead us back to the radical and absolute life at the Center. Then our feast is prepared by Pablo’s wife Graciala [Grace]…..Hail Graciala, full of grace, Our God is with you…blessed are you among women and blessed is the fruit of your labor. A young Hispanic man whose name I have lost entertains us with song. All is well within my soul as I climb into the back of the truck with my new friends and an elderly woman with her chicken. Blessed Be.

The Light

It is always a surprise to me that my heart always knows the deepest & the most ancient knowing in my soul -- The heart is what binds us into unity; it is the sacred ground we share -- it is the soul's essence, bare. It is our own Light of Lights. I believe the essence of our soul is Love. In deepest truth & fullest measure; love is a candle, lit from the Sun, the fire of the eternal, the light that guides our lives. Love is the greatest of these. And when we walk in love, the world will be transformed.

I am

God is what I call the sacred Presence that is always with me. Despite this year of sadness and transition I have been able to taste that Presence within and around me always. I changed jobs, left an 11 ½ year relationship, watched my children graduate from college and travel to foreign lands, and most recently I lost my father. But through it all, I talked with God; I chose to live inside God’s holy heart beat. I never lost the voice of Love surrounding me and for this I am eternally grateful. I will not say at times I was not afraid but I knew the Beloved was with me.
I reached out and felt the amazing love when I watched my son board the plane to SE Asia and my daughter leave for Peru. I felt an amazing love as I cared for my dying father hoping my son would get home in time to say his goodbye and that my dad would make his transition before my daughter left. I felt the arms of the spirit when I discovered the man I’d chosen to love had no understanding of love and had never been faithful to our relationship and had many others during our 11 years together. I prayed……….
Prayer is my way of coming into balance. Prayer for me comes in many forms. It can be a movement, a song, or a story. It can be tears or fear brought to the surface by heart break. It can be surrendering to the pain of heart ache. But it is always sending out a voice that signals a willingness to come into being with something more than ourselves. Even when I was so sad that I thought I could no longer feel…. the Spirit reached out and covered me.

My earth angels come in many forms. They are friends and strangers. They are young and old. They are male and female. They remind me to put my trust in the arms of the Sacred Mystery, they remind me to be who I am.

It's a Journey

I can't say that I ever made a conscious decision to take off on a spiritual journey. But I guess that is what I have been and continue to be on. It is like getting into a dinghy and launching out on the ocean not knowing where I will land. I feel somewhat like an explorer. I am drawn to discover but a bit fearful and apprehensive. I try not to have too many expectations but would like some answers to questions I have yet even realized. It is an opportunity to be more intimately connected with the holy.

I have learned that in some Buddhist traditions it is believed that the most precious opportunity presents itself when we come to the place where we think we can't handle whatever is happening. I don't know anyone who has not been at this place. For me, it was finding out someone I loved and trusted with my most vulnerable self was not the person I thought. What does one do with this information? This kind of discovery pulls the rug out from under you. Intially it becomes a time of not knowing, when stillness can become paralysis, and movement can become almost manic.

Our hearts can be broken by many things; death of a loved one, lost love, other people's suffering; and I believe that to truly know love our hearts must be broken open. But how many times? I suppose each time is a teachable moment. So, what have I learned? I have learned how longing for love is innate and how impossible it is to make human love safe. So, what am I doing with my new found knowledge? I am walking away, but refusing to stop loving. This has become my path to reconciliation. As I continue this journey I have begun to notice that every single day, I am cycling in and out of moments of love.....trying to find the balance...............trying to listen to where the spirit is leading me.